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Jul 4, 2015

It's What You Do When You Are Alone That Counts


Notes from the other side of day 40.

There are some things I know for sure now. One way that porn erodes your motivation and self-esteem is the way in which it makes you unaccountable to yourself.

I understand now that self discipline and self respect are not about what you show other people. It's about what you show yourself when nobody else is watching. How you allow yourself to be when the entire world is looking the other way is who you really think you are.

So much of porn use is built on that sick anxiety of being discovered. We say it's relaxing, but there's always one part of your mind that is scanning for noises throughout the house wondering if someone is going to walk in. Thinking about your search history, wondering if anything will pop up when someone uses or borrows your computer. Even if you aren't breaking the law in any way. You're still worried about the opinions of others, what they might discover about you.

But even worse is the way it erodes your self trust. Half of my struggle with discipline throughout my life has been an inability to trust that I would do what I told myself what I was going to do. Even as I made lists and built action plans, there was always that cynical, scoffing little voice in my head that would say "sure. Nice try. You know you're just going to jack-off once you're twenty minutes into your 'plan'. Nice try asshole."

The same with going to the gym. Or researching into an area that I was interested in. Or taking up a new hobby. All of my good intentions were muddied by this persistent cynical belief that I wouldn't get around to it.

Porn became the way I proved this defeating belief about myself to myself. And that is why it became more and more of a burden. It wasn't just an outlet. It was a way to prove to myself that I had no discipline. That I was a loser.

Well I have 41 days now. I know for a fact that I can trust myself alone, in an empty house, in front of a computer. I know that I can do something a lot of men couldn't do. And I know that this trust in myself is only something that will keep growing.
Another interesting side-effect. As I grow more sure of my ability to guide my own actions, I care less and less about what other people may or may not think of who I am and what I do. What the hell do they know? I know what I'm capable of doing, and I know that it counts, because I can feel it. Funny how that works, isn't it?

Because trusting yourself to do what you've promised yourself you'll do when no one else is around making you do it? That's the golden key to everything. 

2 comments:

  1. "Well I have 41 days now. I know for a fact that I can trust myself alone, in an empty house, in front of a computer. I know that I can do something a lot of men couldn't do. And I know that this trust in myself is only something that will keep growing. "

    This is a real superpower. Self Control

    ReplyDelete

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